7. The Hurricane

 29th August. 

Hi my love. Sorry about being a little dramatic with the title here but I couldn't think of anything better. So just to continue from the previous post, everything was absolutely hunky dory in our world  but I couldn't have been more wrong. 

It was the calm before the storm. A storm that would destroy my peace and make me crazy. By that I mean actually mentally unstable. So it was in November 2022 some 6 weeks after your return and you had come down to my place for a day trip. After an amazing love making session, you told me about an incident that happened with you at the airport. And I didn't know how to react or what to make of it. 

You : 'Love today at the airport a strange incident happened. There was a young couple sitting opposite and they seemed so lovey dovey together. But I had a strange feeling.'

Me : ' What strange feeling?'

You : ' Something was telling me that this guy is cheating on his wife. So when I saw the girl alone, I told her that your husband is cheating on you.'

Me : 'How could you know with such surety that he is cheating on her? And why did you tell his wife?'

You: 'Afterwards I saw the wife ask for his phone and there was something on that which made the girl cry and incidentally that couple was in the same flight. She came to me after we landed and said, you were right. He is actually cheating on me.'

I was flabbergasted. Should I believe you or should I ignore this incident? What the hell just happened? Since we were in a good zone, I didn't comment much other than telling you that wow, you have an amazing intuition. I had told you that once you start healing, you will get amazing insights.

Then it was my turn. You fired a salvo. 

You : ' I have been guided by the divine to tell you something.'

Me : 'Please go ahead.'

You: ' I have been asked to tell you to delete your hangouts account and stop talking to every other woman except me because if you don't do that, you will be completely destroyed. Your business will collapse, you will lose all prestige in society and your own family will disown you.'

I was finding it hard to even swallow my saliva. I was in utter shock. But, I didn't show it. Not because I was scared of this prophecy or anything like that but I was questioning your sanity. I should have seen this red flag but I obviously chose to ignore because I was madly in love with you. And this is how I reacted. I opened my hangout account in front of you and deleted it without you having to tell me a second time. 

You : ' Love ? You really deleted it ? This account has been with you for 10 years and you had stored some important files on google drive of this account'

Me : ' Love, nothing is more important than you and US for me. I had been thinking of deleting this account since a few days so I've already downloaded the files on my laptop.'

You were overwhelmed with this gesture and you hugged me and cried and loved me and said that you are the luckiest woman alive, no one has done anything like this for you. 

I felt good that I did something to actually finally make you feel good and now, we won't have any more problems with eachother because I've done something which I would have never dreamt of doing earlier. 

Or so I thought. Such childish behaviour on my part to believe that it will be happily ever after from now on. The trip ended on a high, you went back smiling and happy. I went back home smiling and happy. All is well. All is well. 

I guess it was the next day when you put forth another demand. 

You : 'You have to block all your female friends on whatsapp.'

Me : 'But i've been friends with them for 10 years almost and we're just friends. You have seen my chats with them, they are all totally harmless.'

You: 'Love, you either block them or you block me because I get messages from the divine and if you are not going to adhere to these messages, then I end up in a problem. My palpitations rise, I get anxious and there is no other option for me but to end up in a hospital.'

Well these friends will understand that I am choosing the love of my life over them and if they don't understand, they can go to hell. Thats how my mind worked. And thats what I did. I blocked some 3-4 people without telling them. I GHOSTED them because I wanted you forever. 

Chalo, good. This was out of the way. I had some guilt over blocking and ghosting them but I quickly overcame that because I knew now my life will be smooth sailing. 

Me to old me : 'Lol! if you believed that, you might as well believe in the tooth fairy, santaclaus and the mermaids!'

I was such a naive child to destroy decade old friendships for love. But then I rationalized. Everything is fair in love and war. And this was a fairly lovely war or fair and lovely war.. whatever ! 

This was still ok. Then came the next wave of demands in a few days. 

You: 'Love,  You have to block all your female clients'

Me : ' Are you alright ? because these female colleagues work at my largest client's company and I can't just stop talking to them. I am talking to them for work and nothing else. Are you alright ?' 

You : 'See, I get guidance and I tell you to do something and this is how you react. Do you realize that you are questioning the divine? When you are stuck somewhere you ask me to heal and I heal the situation whether it is for stuck money or lack of orders, all your problems get sorted immediately' 

Well I had to agree with her. Even today I tend to agree with her on this that whenever she healed the situation, magic would happen. Sometimes on the same day or the next. But wait a minute, could this be a mere coincidence ? I don't know. Who was I to complain as long as my work was getting done ? 

So I made a deal with her. I told her that look, I can't block them but I can ignore their calls and direct them to other people within the company so that I don't have to answer their calls. She reluctantly agreed. Now suppose, if I was on a call with a client and she calls in between and my phone is busy, I would drop her a message on whatsapp that I am talking to this guy and will call you back in sometime. 

Fairly standard response ? Right? WRONG. 

If I didn't answer her call, it meant that I had something to hide and I was lying. In order to prove that I wasn't lying, I would send her screenshots of my whatsapp, call history, you name it. There was a time when i sending her 10-20 screenshots in a day. If she caught me online on whatsapp and I wasn't messaging her, meant that I was messaging another woman. So there would be 5 screen shots with my entire conversation with a friend (male) or a client (male) and yet she would say that these screenshots can be easily fabricated. 

I am like! What the F**** but instead, 'Love I swear on my mom that i am not lying' and she would calm down somewhat and things would get back to normal. Sometimes, I would be swearing on my mother, my son , the divine 5 times a day that i am not lying. 

Things were taking a toll on my health but atleast I had you in my life. Everynight ended with love you's and goodnight to you and every morning started with love you's and good morning to you. Then you would get anxious that after saying goodnight, I am logging on to some other account or going on some chat site to talk to random chicks and cheating you. 

I was tired. Mentally Exhausted. Frustrated. Crazy. Mad. I was going through everyday walking on eggshells that nothing should tick you off. If I was worried about some project which was stuck or an unhappy client or an unpaid vendor and If I sounded least bit distracted, you would shout at me. 

You : ' Love! Please dont behave like this with me! I beg of you! If your energy goes down, it affects me like anything. I get anxiety if you don't talk to me properly'

Me : 'Love, please understand that I have a strict deadline to complete this project and unfortunately, the project team is on leave and 2-3 people left the job suddently so I am distracted right now. Please calm down'

You : ' Well I am sure one of those bitches would have connected with you somewhere and this is divine's way of showing you that if you don't live upto your promise, this is what is going to happen with you' 

Me : ' Love I am really sorry if you feel that way, but I swear nobody contacted me and I haven't spoken with anyone at all' 

Just when I finished saying this, there was a ping from some woman at the client's office asking for some clarification. And I just had such a face palm moment that I can't describe my thoughts and emotions at that time. My mind would be forced to think, could she be right? My rational mind would kick my ass but a part of me would be like.. what if she's right ? What if she does get these insights and i've promised her that I won't interact with any one but I am forced to because of work and then my work gets stuck.. ! 

Aaarggghhhh my mind would just shut down utterly exhausted from all the stress. And a point would come where I would tell her 'Love, this isn't working out. Please lets just end it, I can't take it any more'

She would scream at me, tell me how ungrateful I am because she is doing so much for me and the moment a bitch comes I go wagging my tail after her ! 

Thats it! I would just say bye and put the phone down. Sometimes these arguments would go on for hours. 3-4 times a day the same thing would be raked up and I would be in tears sometimes trying to explain to her. 

Then would come the break. Sheer bliss. 2-3 days of peace and calm. And I would start missing her again. But since I would be blocked there was no way to reach out to her except her email. I would wait for a week when everything calms down and send her a mail and if she didn't want to come back, she would give me cold replies which meant that I had to back off. 

If she would send me an email or a text, I would jump at the prospect of getting back with her despite everything that had happened just 10 days prior. 

Any rational person would ask, why do you go back to her every time ? Why do you go through this crap every few days ? 

Simple. I am in love with her. Is it love? Is it lust ? It can't be just lust because if it were lust, I could go and satiate myself somewhere else without any problem. During the 'break up phases' I have been on trips abroad with family friends where the women would go alone for shopping while the men would be free to explore the sins that the city had to offer. Those sins were pretty good but I would go and have a beer or watch netflix on my phone while they were enjoying themselves. 

I was never 'holier than thou' but the fact is, I wouldn't get aroused with any other woman except her. So there was no point in even going inside and humilating myself,  thats how crazy I was for her. In last 3 years, I've had 4 or 5 abroad trips related to work or leisure while being 'broken up' but I never had the urge, inclination or erection to do anything about it. 

So we're somewhere in the end of December 22 and we broke up again. On the 31st of December we (family and friends) were at a hillstation. Drinking, eating, partying, dancing around a huge bonfire and I was missing her. I was staring blankly at the fire raging in front of me and I don't know what got over me. I texted her happy new year and to my delight, she replied. I was drunk, missing her and absolutely crazy and I told her that I am sorry but I will do anything and everything to ensure that I don't mess up again. She accepted my apology and all was well with the world again!

So 2-3 days later something else happened. Something that ticked me off majorly. And we'd broken up again. As a reader you must be getting bored with my story that WTF is this? Break up, Make up and then again Break up  ? Well I don't blame you. 

So after about 10 days, she texts me that she wants to talk to me. And I jump at the prospect of speaking with her again. 

She : "Love! I am so sorry but I had a very bad dream last night so I had to talk to you."

Me : "Oh! what happened love ? "

She :" I saw that we are together and you have a bag or a suitcase in your hand. You are walking away from me and something told me that if you walk away, you will never be back and what we have will end forever"

Me : "Love I am never going away from you. Never in my life sweetheart! I love you too much to be able to break free from you. Our connect is divine and I really cannot let this end like this!" 

The prospect of breaking up with her forever had me shitting bricks ! 

Well she stuck true to her habit of fucking up yet another birthday of mine. Two in a row to be precise. At this time, I was going through another hell of my own. A property dispute in the family. No explanations necessary but it fucked me up enough and wasted enough of my time. I am still trying to get the legalities sorted after 3 years.

Anyways, it was a sign that I had to meet her because it had been a while since we were together and her dream had scared her into believing that she needed to meet me soon. I don't know how stupid I was to believe everything that she said and ended up running after her once more. I went to Mumbai, she picked me up from the designated spot and just before I was getting into her car, I was talking to my wife about where I was and when I would be back. 

Just as I got into the car, I could see that she was unhappy about something. 

Me : "Hi my love, it is so good to see you! You look absolutely stunning !"

She : " So how are your friends?"

Me : " They are all good. Why ?"

She : " Nothing, you look very happy"

Me : " Ofcourse I am happy, I am here with you after so many days, i've forgotten what it feels like to be with you" 

She :" You tell that to all the women you are with?"

Me : "Love please! I was talking to my wife just before I got into the car! Please trust me that I will never lie or cheat" and I showed her my call history to prove that I was indeed talking to my wife while waiting for her. 

She : "Now you will spoil your mood" and she made a puppy face. 

Me : "Love are you mad! Why would I spoil my mood ? I am here with you and I am so loving this moment. You look so hot! And i am so mad about you my love"

She : "You think so ? That I look hot? "

I rolled my eyes because according to me, she is the most beautiful woman in this entire universe. Again, the next 6-7 hours were wild. Lots of love making, lots of holding and kissing, lots of resting in each other's arms. 

Sometimes, I ask myself this question again and again. Is it the sex that I miss with her ? Is the fact that she's the most beautiful woman that I have ever dated in my life thats why I miss her ? Is it because I can never get anyone like her ? Is it because I love her madly ? 

I've been trying to analyse my self and honestly I still don't have an answer. One thing I know for sure, that I love her deeply because despite reading up everything during the breaks, despite talking to some really sane and mature friends of mine, I realise that I can never get this feeling with anyone else. 

Anyways, coming back to that day. Things were amazing, the day went really well and it was time for me to head to the station for my journey back home. It was pretty uneventful and we were all fine and things were all hunky dory! 

Things were pretty ok barring a few small incidents and then came 25th of January. The memory is clearly etched in my brain. And I know exactly what happened. We had gone to celebrate a very close friends' birthday and we came around 1 am from there. I had messaged you from there asking you to sleep on time because I know you don't sleep without our goodnight message. But when I came home, you were still awake. The argument started about why didn't I message you for the last 2 hours. 

I told you, that there were about 15 other people there and birthday celebrations were going on and I couldn't have messaged you. Your argument was, if you wanted to, you could have easily gone to the loo and messaged. Yes I could have but then I was with friends and 2 hours go in a blink. We were drinking, eating, laughing, joking and I just lost track of time. Sometimes I wonder how can i remember something that happened almost 3 years, nay 2 years and 7 months ago. But thats how my mind works. 

So, coming back to 26th January early morning. I guess 3 AM. I was explaining, apologizing, sharing screenshots. Screen shots of my archived chats. And there was a birthday wish from an old colleague. Someone I knew from 2015. I forgot that she would wish me on my birthday but this time, I had completely forgotten to delete her message. You caught on to that. 

My logic was, I had nothing to hide thats why I shared the screenshot but according to you, It was the most heinous crime I had committed but that day, I was determined not to break up. So i blocked her and shared the screenshot with you. I apologized. I begged. I promised that I will never do anything like this again. Finally we managed to sleep around 3:30 or 4 am. Next day, which was a sunday, I had a meeting about a project  around 2 pm in the afternoon. We texted in the morning, everything seemed ok and I told you that once I leave for the meeting, I will call you. 

I dont remember how the exact conversation went but you were hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. 

My last words to you were, "Love, I can't see you in this condition and it isn't fair to you. Please lets end this because I love you too much to put you through this every single day. I love you forever and hope everything gets better for you."

Thats it. No drama any more. No stress in life. This time, I promised myself that I had had enough of this nonsense and this is the END of US. 

Who knew? that I would be struggling even after almost 3 years of that The End.