1. The End

 2/8/2025

Yesterday was very difficult for me because of the finality of you going out of my life hit me very hard. There was always this little hope in my heart that we will weather this storm and will be back together but I guess you’ve had enough.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that US will end some day because I always believed that no matter what happens, US will never end. But I guess that is how life is. Every day brings something new. Something that makes us happy and something that disappoints us. We have to sift through each day and pick up the best every day has to offer. Yesterday a good thing happened to me was the fact that I learnt my lesson. Nothing is permanent. Life is unpredictable and while that brings anxiety, it also brings hope that tomorrow will be better.

I’ve been thinking about our last 4 years of togetherness which brought a lot of love and happiness to both of us while being very difficult on us. It broke us apart. It brought us together. It gave us some moments which I will take to my death bed and remember the good memories with a lot of love and fondness.

I have no regrets over the last 4 years because I know that I have loved you with all my heart and soul. Till the time I understood your point of view about having other friends, your flashes and Divine, I know that I may have hurt you unknowingly. For that I seek forgiveness from the bottom of my heart. I have sought forgiveness from the Divine and your higher self because that is something I can do. I can’t call you because I don’t want you to go through the pain again. We’ve had enough of that.

We had so many dreams together. Dreams of becoming Millionaires, dreams of being together forever, dreams of loving each other in this life time and beyond. 

But I think we really don’t know what the universe has in store for us. It brought us together for a reason. And that reason may be over. We may have finished the Karmic cycle of love and pain or we may have finished our debt to each other or we may have created another debt which will come to haunt us in the next life time. We really don’t know. Whatever the reasons, I am thankful to the universe for bringing us together because otherwise, I wouldn’t have experienced the moments that gave my life a meaning and I would have gone through life without knowing what love truly means.

This is all the good part and me being me.

Let us also talk about what you did to me. You changed the course of my life by taking me away from everyone else except you. Right now I am so alone that I can’t handle the pain. I have no one to talk to. You are very strong. You have the ability to shut everything else in your life because you have your work, you have your cousins you have so many things to distract you from me. But unfortunately, I have nothing like that. I used to have my friends, my chatting but all that is gone now. I am not complaining about that part but I am going to have to rebuild my life which does not involve you. 

It means that I will have to put myself deep into my work and to start traveling the way I used to earlier. Not that you ever stopped me from my work but at the same time, It caused me a lot of anxiety about how to tell you if I have to go to Delhi or Ludhiana or Jaipur because it gave you so much anxiety that it was impossible to be with you during that time.

But that is over now. You won’t have any anxiety and I won’t have to explain where I am going and what I am going to do. I don’t how to convince you that I’ve never cheated on you and will never cheat even when we’re not together. Because in my heart you are the only one for me. Don’t get me wrong, this is not to put pressure on you.

I am moving on from you but I am never going to move on from the love that we shared. It is heart wrenching for me to even imagine that I will never be able to hug you or be the reason for your smile or tell you ‘ love tu ketli amazing chhe’ and I will never hear that ‘ love tu maney bauj gamey chhe’ .. those moments are over.

Not that I’ve not been in relationships before. You know everything about me prior to US and I’ve never hidden anything from you. I’ve had my heart broken before and when I think about it, I realized that I was much younger then and may be it was easy for me to move on because I didn’t get so emotionally invested with any of them.

With you the story was vastly different. You just came to my life and within 2 days I knew that this is the beginning of something amazing. And I wasn’t wrong. Neither were you. Even you knew that something phenomenally crazy and amazing was in store for us.

We’ve had so many breakups that I’ve lost count. In the last 4 years, we’ve probably remained broken up for more that 18 months if you add everything up. But in those 18 months, never did I once feel that US is over. Yes I was miserable to be away from you but I never felt that I won’t be talking to you ever again.

I’ve been trying to cry for the last few days. To actually cry because there is so much inside of me. There is a heaviness, an ache that I cannot explain. I was in Mumbai to drop my son (not using names for obvious reasons) for his flight and the cabbie crossed the coastal road to get on to the sea link. My heart was in my mouth. I was hoping that I would see your car any minute now on the sea link but I guess you were still busy in your studio. I was numb..i was looking out of the window and remembering every trip that we took on that sea link to get to Andheri or to go towards Atal Setu for our trips to Pune.

I reached the airport and every memory of you coming to pick me up or you coming to meet me while I was changing terminals to get to some other destination but choosing a connecting flight from Mumbai so that I could just be with you for that one hour and talk to you … to smile with you.. to laugh with you to tell you how much I love you and how crazy I am about you… flooded in my mind and hit me like a ton of bricks. But even then, I had some hope that you will come back. I was just 10 minutes away from your building that night..but I felt that we were galaxies apart.

I am going to keep writing here whenever I get a chance or whenever it becomes to difficult to handle the pain.

Love you for ever.