8. The Rollercoaster
1st September 2025
I am still contemplating what to name this post. Will think about that later as it evolves. Thats why, for now, i've just put a number.
On the next day of breakup, you sent me your picture lying in bed and weeping. You said that you had to be taken to the doctor and had to be put on a drip. I asked you to take care of yourself and you asked me to block you on emails so that your emails don't reach me. I told you that it doesn't matter your mails will still find their way to my spam folder. Well, that said we were officially broken up.
I was finally free from you. I could be at peace. The first thing i did was to get a complete body check up and all my parameters were off. My Sugar, Cholesterol and Liver function numbers were way out of whack. As usual after 3-4 days the reality started to hit me. I was messed up and started missing you terribly. But this time atleast I had my traveling to keep me busy. I had my client in Hyderabad to attend to so I could keep my mind off of you. They had organised some road shows in different cities which I had helped them execute and that kept me busy for 2-3 weeks. I was returning from one of the road shows and my old ex messaged me. By old ex, I mean the one that had dumped me in September 2021.
She : "Hi! How are you ?"
Me: "Hey I'm good what about you? Pleasant surprise!"
She: " How is your son and your family "
Me: "We're all good by God's grace. Hope your daughters are also doing fine"
She "Yes, Yes everything is fine. How's your girlfriend?"
Me " We broke up a month ago"
She "Don't worry she's coming back soon. Tum bahut acche ho, tumse koi duur nahi reh sakta "
The chat went on for sometime and then she told me something which made me very happy.
She "Thank you for everything because of you, I realised that I cannot continue in an extra marital affair endlessly so I went back to my husband"
Me " That is so wonderful! I am very happy for you 😊 "
Then she went on to describe about how things are so amazing between them. Their holidays, rediscovering the lost spark was a beautiful experience and I was genuinely happy for them.
She " I want us to be friends. I am so so blessed that I am happy with my husband and I can be friends with you without at any guilt"
Me " Does your husband know that you would be friends with me ?"
She " No ofcourse not! Why would I tell him"
Me. " Look, you have found something amazing with your husband which was not there even at the beginning of your married life. So don't spoil it by bringing me again into the equation even as a friend. Goodbye and God Bless"
So this story isn't about my old ex but it was a significant event, hence the mention.
Anyways the days went by and I emailed her (My GF) once. Her response was very cold. She said that she is trying to heal from all this and trying to keep her sanity intact. I also didn't push it further and continued with my life. I would send her healing every single day because I had promised her that whatever may happen, the healing will not stop.
My mother was unwell and she had to be hospitalized for 3-4 days during the month of March 2023 and since I was alone with her, that's when I told my mother about her.
Me " Mom I need to tell you something"
Mom "What?"
Me " I was in a relationship with a lady from Mumbai since one and a half years but it all ended."
I gave her some sketchy details about my GF and she asked me not to fall in this trap and so on and so forth.
She wasn't surprised. She knew that I'd been up to something.
In the beginning of April I again sent her a mail but again I got a cold response so after exchanging 3-4 emails, the communication ended. I had resigned myself to the fact that she isn't coming back ever because that's how she made me feel.
Honestly, I was really ok with that. I was slowly coming out of the relationship and there was too much hustle going on at work which kept me occupied enough to forget about her.
One Sunday towards the end of April 2023, I got an email from here asking me how I am. Thats it. She had me at 'How are you love?' Over the course of next 2-3 days, she told me that couldn't handle the break up any more and that she was guided to reach out to me again.
For the next 2-3 days, we were still communicating through emails because she wanted to be sure if I want to come back or not. Finally, she unblocked me on whatsapp and we were back as a couple.
She :' Love I need to tell you something very important. You need to keep an open mind about this and hear me out without judging me. "
Me : "Love I have never judged you on anything and I will listen to what you have to say"
She : " I was guided by the divine to seek help from you. There are people in my family as well as friends circle who are extremely jealous of my business growth and they have been practising black magic on me which is messing up my health like anything. Infact, my own brother knows how to all this and he wants to see me dead because he doesn't want to give me a share in the property which is valued at a few crores."
Me : "Oh my goodness! How can your brother do something like this my love ? Please don't worry I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe because I want US to be together forever my love"
She : "I knew that you would never leave me high and dry and I can feel your love for me! Infact even when we weren't together, I had an intuition about your mom's health and I sent her healing."
There was absolutely no way for her to find out that mummy was hospitalized because there are no common friends or any other means for her to find out something like this.
Me : "Wow! you really got to know about her being unwell ? You are really blessed !"
I also told her about the signs that I had seen during these 3 months. For example just out of the blue I would see a car with the same last four digits as hers at a remote location where you wouldn't expect to see a car in the first place ! Hers is not a very common name and I would see a general store with her name in the middle of nowhere which would remind me of her instantly. Whenever I would drive from office to project location or go home for lunch or go for a meeting, she and I would talk on the phone. So when she wasn't around despite the fact that I was blocked on whatsapp, I would keep sending her voice notes knowing fully well that she isn't going to listen to any one of them. This is how crazy I was about her.
Anyways, she was back in my life and all was well again ! Now that we were back, we got into a very specific routine. She would call me before I left for office and we would do crazy phone sex because my wife would have left for her work and her husband would go to the gym. We were doing phonesex 4-5 times a week and sometimes twice a day if the opportunity presented itself.
Madness? Yes. It was absolute madness. It was on the 10th of May 2023 when we met again. We had an amazing time with each other as always but there was a big glitch. Someone (lady) from the clients office called me and she (my gf) made me answer the call. The call lasted exactly 30 seconds where, as promised, I asked her to connect with my colleague at the office who would sort the issue for her.
She got furious and this is how the conversation went.
She :" You are nothing but a liar ! You said, you didn't talk to anyone in these last 3 months then why did this bitch call you ??? She should have called your colleague in the first place!!! You will never understand the mess that I have clear everytime you talk to another woman. If she called you now, means that you have been talking to her regularly!!!"
I wanted to say that while she was away for 3 months, the employees still had to be paid. The projects still had to be handed over and for that I have to talk to clients/vendors who happen to be women, I have no choice but to continue with my business normally. But I knew when to keep my trap shut in front of her. Some day I may tell her everything that is bottled up inside me but today surely wasn't the day !
She was sobbing, shouting, flailing her arms, while I was trying to calm her down by hugging her. But she refused to listen to me.
She "You liar ! Get out of here right now! I shouldn't have ever come back ! You are a cheap bastard who will never value me and run after these bitches despite telling you a million times that it isn't good for you! "
She started shaking like a leaf. I could see the onset of her anxiety attack which would only get subsided by that injection which she used to take. I was shit scared that something may happen to her.
Me : " Love, let me call a doctor for you. Ok, you don't want to talk to me, its ok.. i understand but please stop screaming for 5 minutes. Once you calm down, I promise I will leave from here right now. But first, I need you to be alright."
I calmed her down gently, soothed her..put her head on my shoulder and gently started caressing her. And I have a technique to calm her down instantly if we are together in a hotel room. It took me almost an hour to calm her down. She was sobbing and I could feel her tears on my chest.
Then she demanded to see my phone. I had nothing to hide so I gave it to ther. Again there is she saw a message from a vendor where I had explicitly asked her to connect with my colleague for some coordination. Sometimes, I really wonder that the universe didn't want that I should be with her because the kind of things that happen are really unbelievable. I mean, I rarely get calls from vendors and clients and I had to get one right at the time when I was with her !
She had calmed down by now and was talking to me in a normal tone. The conversation went something like this:
She : "Love, I am really sorry but this is it. I am done with you. You will never understand what I have to go through in order to be with you and you mess it up every single time. You enjoy female attention and you can't do without messing up what we have. So this isn't working out for me love. I will go to the airport on my own. Please leave because you make me sick !"
Me " Love, you haven't eaten anything since morning. We were supposed to order lunch just when that call came. Should I go ahead and place the order? It would be better if you eat something and go and in any case, you flight isn't for another 3-4 hours why do you want to go and sit at the airport? I will leave once you've eaten something"
She " Why did you calm me down the way you did ? "
Me " Love how could I see you in that situation ? You were so disturbed and this is the first time that you've had an anxiety attack right in front of me like this. How could I not calm you down ?"
She " This is the first time I haven't needed an injection to get me out of this panic attack. Thank you for being there for me because this is a very scary moment for me"
Me : " I know that we have our differences over certain things. But remember that it is always going to be you FOREVER and whether you are there in my life or not, I am not going to cheat on you."
She " One more thing, I asked you to leave from the room while my panic attack was starting. Were'nt you scared that what if something happens to me, you would be in such a huge trouble?"
Me " Are you mad ? How could I run at the first sight of trouble ? I mean you were insisting that I should leave and I know that it was a panic attack and you might need a doctor to sort you out. But how could I just leave you like this ? what if you really had to be taken to the doctor ? Do you think I would ever be able to face myself had it come to that ? "
She "I can see your love for me. But I am sorry, this is it. I am done with you"
Every word that came out of her mouth up untill that point was like whiplash. Hitting my soul hard and killing me again and again.
Whatever hopes I had to salvage the situation during the drive to the airport, were firmly dashed and the rest of the journey went in eerie silence. She was staring out of the window on ther side and I was looking straight ahead on the road. Under normal circumstances we would have been chatting non-stop, holding hands, making plans for the next trip and discussing about how hot this one was.
We reached the airport, I said my good byes and she didn't look back even once. Before she left, I just extracted a promise from her to text me as soon as she landed so that I know she's safe.
Two weeks went by listlessly. Same pining, same missing, same disappointment that I had experienced in the last 3 months, hell this time it wasn't even my fault because I hadn't slipped one bit.
I was alone at home one evening towards the end of May as wife was at her parents' place. When alone, my usual routine at home is, watch TV, eat, meditate and sleep.
I was meditating and somewhere I had an intuition that she will message me. Too bad. I've not had such an intuition in the last 2 months yet. But the hope remains.
Going back to May 2023.
I got an email from her and I was overjoyed again! I requested her to unblock me straight away because I didn't want to spend 3 days playing catch up over email. She agreed and unblocked me. Since I was alone, we had a long conversation on the phone. I won't bore you with the details but the crux of the matter was she was deeply touched by my act of not leaving her side when she was in trouble and I stood by her even when there was a situation where things could have gotten really ugly if her health deteriorated. For me, that was the least I could do but for her, that act was something huge. It told her that I cared for her without looking at the consequences.
After she came back, I was very careful not to let something bother her again. But how can that be ? Afterall this is what it is. This is what our relationship is all about- a constant cycle that i've been going through for the past 2 years now. The only change was I got her to agree not to block me on whatsapp so if there was a problem between us, we could resolve it easily. Somehow blocking me on whatsapp seemed like killing me. Cutting me off completely.
Again August came and there was a 2 week holiday coming up for her and this time, the destination was Europe. I was determined not to mess it up this time. I was sure let whatever happen, this time I won't let her break up with me. But there was a situation where we didn't talk to each other for 3-4 days but I handled it by messaging you couple of days before your trip and we officially didn't break up. Whew! thank God for small mercies !
You were away for 2 weeks and I made it a point to be online with you whenever you were free. The time zone difference was making my life hell. Because it meant that I had to be up at 3 am to wish you good night at YOUR convenience. And then when your phone was out of reach, I had to keep checking when you came back in network so I could chat with you for those 5 minutes before you had to head off somewhere. It was physically and mentally exhausting for me because I had to be right there when you were around and God forbid, if I wasn't there, all hell would break loose.
So this time, 2 weeks were up and there were lots of issues between us during your trip but I didn't let it get out of hand. I didn't let it get to a situation where either of us would walk away. You were testing my patience, but I was really calm.
So a little back story. I had landed an important client (a woman) a mini celebrity of sorts. Who also happened to be my wife's friend and a very well known name in our city. I had ensured that she was seamlessly handled by my team. I didn't let even that get in the way of my love life. But my GF being her, she came back from her Europe trip after 2 weeks, highly strung and ready to break up with me at a moment's notice. I could see the signs.
This time, she played the suicide card.
She "Love, I can't handle our relationship any more. You promised that you will not talk to any lady but I know you landed that project of your wife's friend and I am sure you would have spoken with her in my absence"
Me "No, I didn't speak with her, because it was her manager who discussed everything and finalized the project and the terms. She only called me once to close on the final figure. That nobody else could have done."
She "Look this isn't working out. You keep breaking your promises every time. You mess it up for me and then you keep saying sorry. You keep promising you won't do it. But you still end up doing it. This time I had such a bad time during my Europe trip, my itnerary had to be changed last minute. We had to get off a train and take a bus because there was some technical issue and we lost such a lot of time and money for dinner on the cruise. Also, my money pouch with about 1000 Euro's got stolen so you can imagine what kind of things I have to go through because you break your promises "
Me " Oh wow. So because of what I did, you ended up having this horrible experience during your trip. Right. All I can say is I am sorry because I didn't know that my actions have such huge repercussions on your life"
She "Yes. This is what happens and the black magic being done by people on me is also working because of which my entire life is a mess!!! I even had losses in my business while I was away because the client rejected a large consignment which I had to replace"
Me " Oh ok. I didn't know that. But I am sure whatever losses you have incurred, things will get back to normal in a couple of days. "
She " This time I really felt that should kill myself. Jump off from that mountain top and end the whole thing. I just can't take this any more !"
Me " Love, I am really sorry if you feel like this, this time, let me go from your life because I seem to bring nothing but upheaval in your life and if you talk about ending your life, I am really sorry but I am leaving because I don't want to add one more thing in your life which is complex. You are already dealing with a family who is pushing you towards a mental break down with their black magic, your work is not in the right zone. On top of that, I don't want to add our problems and make a mess of your life! Good bye Love! Just a very friendly suggestion sweetheart, please go to a good therapist and seek help"
This was my only advice to you during every major break up that you should see a therapist and you always promise me that you will go. But I really don't know if you ever went or not.
You didn't even wait 10 seconds to block me. It was done. I was blocked for the millionth time and I am so fucking used to it by now.
I love you so much despite everything that I always choose to leave if 'US' overwhelms you in any manner.
Yes! So finally I think I am going to name this phase of our life as roller coaster because the depths that we plunged into, the heights that we experienced only to plunge again!!!
Rollercoaster it is !!!!!
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